I can’t possibly understand how you feel and don’t have good answers for you. I will share a personal story that is maybe applicable, and it does have a religious slant to it, but I think there are principles in it that anyone regardless of personal belief can apply and it’ll work. So maybe this will be of help, maybe not and forgive me for that - I’m not trying to be preachy or whatever - just share something that helped me.
When I first started my first business I did a lot of work for a guy who is also a semi-prominent local politician. As you all know there is a lot of personal risk inherent in start-ups and this coupled with the beginning of the Great Recession had me in a very precarious position. During the course of this, this guy defrauded me out of a very very substantial amount of money which very nearly caused me to lose it all. The level of fraud put my family at very real danger and thus it became very bitter and personal.
To make matters worse, I had to see his stupid mug in the news at least once a week. Each time I would see or hear the guy all of those feelings of rage, anger and hatred came back just like the day he did what he did. And then I’d get further upset that I was letting this guy have control over my emotions and how it would basically ruin my day and I’d be back at square one again. I hated that without even trying he was robbing me of peace.
One day I read something I had read many many times before, how Jesus taught to pray for our enemies. I’d never paid much attention to that but it struck home this time that I needed to do that. My initial prayers were less than sincere, something along the lines of, “…bless him to not be such a big pile of human garbage…” But then I spent some time in my prayers trying to think of good attributes of him… obviously he had a wife and kids who loved him, he couldn’t be all bad. I tried to wish him well and wish him success and also wish that someday he’d realize all the harm he’d done me and, as I’d learned, many others. Regardless of his exterior appearance he couldn’t be happy with who he was.
He didn’t and hasn’t changed, but I did. The deep feelings of anger towards him went away and mostly today I just feel pity. I can’t say I love him or want to be friends with him at all, and I believe he is still the same old snake. But I’m no longer bitter and when I see him I feel just mild twinges of dislike - but nothing all consuming.
He is running for a prominent office right now, which means for the time being I get to see him just about every day and bike past his yard signs the entire ride (which is usually the place where I do my deep thinking and meditating). But it no longer interferes with any of that like it used to.
Granted, what he did to me in comparison to what your biological father did to you and your mom is many magnitudes different and less. But the principle I learned in that whole exercise is it lifted that burden from me and released me from his control. I believe that meditating and thinking positive thoughts of your enemies can achieve similar effect and help stop the person from continuing to victimize you.
I will say it was not an easy process at all, it took a lot of work to ‘forgive’ him of sorts - but I’m glad I did. I’m the type of person that forgiveness doesn’t come easy at a certain level - a level he passed in a big way. But were I not able to do that and remained in that same state of mind right now this political cycle would have been absolute hell for me.
Again, forgive me if I’m being insensitive to your pain. Not my intent at all, nor is it my intent to equate what you’ve been through with what is, on a relative scale to what you’ve dealt with, a trivial matter. This is just an attempt to help you get to a place where he can’t continue to harm you. If by some miracle you can get to that place then you’ll be able to rationally decide how to deal (or not deal) with him.