This Saturday's game has all the plot twists and turns, intriguing subplots, and characters (both virtuous and notorious) to make a great made-for-TV-movie or even a miniseries. Aside from the obvious "good-versus-evil" theme that dominates the rivalry, these other story lines and subplots would not only ensure viewership but also hit at the core of the BYU-Utah rivalry:

* Burgess rejects the Cougars (disappointing 9 million in the process), rides the pine back east, then ends up playing for the rivals to the north (redisappointing 11 million less all Mormon Ute Fans), garnering from Cougar Fans feelings normally reserved for fraudulent businessmen, smoking beer drinkers, and delinquent home teachers. Will he become a Cougar nemesis of the first order or just another bumbling MWC big man?

* Whiting initially commits to the Utes, rethinks, then heads to the rivals to the south, garnering from Ute Fans feelings normally reserved for rapists, the-deepest-shade-of-royal-blue-wearing do-gooders, and telemarketers. There is no question about how he and his wife will be received at the JMHC (can you say rude, crude, and in the mood?). We are really going to see what this kid is made of come Saturday afternoon.

* Coach Rick sits out the season to care for himself and his mother. America loves these "mother comes first" stories (e.g. Throw Mama from the Train and Psycho).

* Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Will Coach Cleve stay and continue his resurrection project in Provo or leave for the bigger time to become Drew Carey’s latest loser sidekick. After that: Who’s Line is it Anyway? Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

* Marcroft vs. Wrubell. What more can I add. Just like a bad train wreck or that old show Hee Haw, it's just so horrible that as hard as you try, you can't pry your eyes away. Yo quiero Taco Bell!

* The religion angle. How can so many God-fearing people get so worked up over something as silly as 10 guys in shorts and tank tops running around trying to place a bouncing ball inside a steel hoop with some type of netting attached to it. "OUR GUYS ARE THE (insert your team's color) TEAM AND YOUR (insert your rival's color) TEAM REALLY SUCKS!!!"

And my personal favorite:

* The timeless struggle between the enlightened-and-cultured, righteous-yet-not-overbearing, good-deed-doing, faith defending, child-and-older-person-assisting, all-mighty-and-powerful-yet-humble (insert your team's name here) and the no-good-for-nothing, idiot-enrolling, bigoted-and-hypocritical, arrogant-with-no-reason, absolutely evil, couldn't-get-a-date-at-a-fat-farm, loser (insert the name of your rival here). All together now, "OUR GUYS ARE THE (insert your team's color) TEAM AND YOUR (insert your rival's color) TEAM REALLY SUCKS!!!"

The treatment is written, we have a producer, now the big questions are: Who will play Burgess? What about Whiting? And more importantly, who will get the parts of Mr. Crimson (aka Zeezrom), New York, and L.A. Ute!?

Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

Trent Whiting- Ryan Phillipe
Chris Burgess- Anthony Edwards (think Top Gun when he had hair)
Juddy- The guy who played Dobber (obvious)
Steve Cleveland- Mike Leavitt (Have you ever seen them in the same place at once?)
Eric Nelson- Gomer Pile
Travis Spivey- The 7-Up guy
Mrs. Whiting- Betty Rubble ("Love those Brontoburgers babe!")
Rick Majerus- The evil clown on Spawn

Last modified .