Posted By: Church Lady (aka L.A. Ute!)
<la_ute@hotmail.com>
Date: Sunday, 24 December 2000, at 12:14 a.m.
My aunt's son-in-law's cousin works in thebasketball office at Timpview High, and the coach there is really close toan assistant at BYU, who says the word is that Rick is rehabbing his in LasVegas because of his gambling debts, and some Mafia types extorted him intobeing thereto handicap NBA games for them so they could make a killing againstthe spreads. And there's a pharmacy near where Rick is staying in Las Vegas,and the pharmacist's cousin's stepson goes to BYU, and his student ward bishopsays Rick was seen purchasing some really powerful pain medication at thepharmacy, and it'sthe kind poeple often get hooked on, you know. Hod Sanderscan verify allof this. The FBI might also be looking into this, I hear,because the currenthead of Church security used to work for the FBI, andthis guy I know, well,his former mission companion's mom works in the ChurchOffice Building andknows the head of Church security, and . . . well, youknow what I'm saying.Clearly Majerus is about to be off to prison, and thisclearly means the endsof Ute basketball forever because the good LDS recruitswill go to BYU nowand Utah can't survive without them. So soon BYU willbe restored to the dominanceit once enjoyed for one season when Danny Aingewas on the team, 'cause youknow that year BYU was the third team out ofthe WAC into the Dance, behindWyoming and Utah and had the lowest seed ofall three but they beat NotreDame on that great coast-to-coast drive byAinge, and gosh, that's the theBYU basketball glory year (singular) of themodern era and is really the waythings should be, or at least way I recallit and how I see it in my mind.But boy, was it ever great back when we werethe dominant team in the WACand in the State of Utah, and isn't it greatnow that we are back where webelong, on top of the heap.
Posted By: L.A. Ute Hater (aka AingeEraCoug) In Response To:
The real scoop on Majerus (Church Lady (aka L.A. Ute!))
Date: Sunday, 24 December 2000, at 9:15 p.m.
Just minutes ago my co-worker called andtold mea very interesting story for an ultra reliable source. My co-worker’s friend’s nephew is a mail runner for a second rate law firm in LA.The friend’snephew had just stop off at an out of the way bar for someChristmas Everefreshment. Just as he was seated a lawyer he knew from thejob enteredthe establishment. This lawyer was a big time Ute insider.
The lawyer quickly went to a darkened corner tomeet some friends. Fortunately,the co-worker’s friend’s nephewwas close enough to hear the entire conversation.As the lawyer greeted hisfriends an ordered a brewsky, he said “I’ve gotto be quick. Mywife thinks I’m home teaching. Normally she wouldn’t be suspicious,because I always do my December home teaching on Christmas Eve. My wife hasbecome more suspicious of me lately. I think she started to question my orthodoxy after I replaced the picture of the Carpenter’s Son in my den withone ofthe Holy Majerus”
The lawyer continued.“Despite the risk, Ijust had to celebrate this afternoon. I produced anothergreat Internet chuckle. I ridiculed BYU, all of Utah County, and that stupidchurch my wife makesme attend. I made them all look like foolish idiotsfor generating rumorsabout the Great One. Those idiots down South are tooslow witted to rememberthat all the rumors were going full bore on thisboard, long before it becamea topic in Utah County. Besides, those kittystrust me. I go on their boardall the time and pretend to be friendly adversary,then on the Ute board Iskewer them and their dishonest coach. Most of themnever catch on. I’msure I can get away with being a two faced cretin (lookit up) at least aslong as Mark Hoffman did.”
Just then there was a break in the conversationas the waitress deliveredthe brews. One of the men at the lawyer’stable asked the Ute insider, “Whatis the real scoop on Coach Majerus’ Las Vegas trip”. The lawyer answered,“I don’t know andI don’t want to know. I make it a practice never to questionthe motive of the Master. In fact, to help other Utes from falling into thisheretical trap, I teach a distant learning class on Majerus adulation”
Another person at the table asked, “What do you teach in your adulation class?”
LA lawyer: “Our class doctrine is quite simple, we teach Majerus can do no wrong.”
Listener: “That sounds simplistic. Do Utes really buy that?”
LA Ute: “As long as Majerus wins basketball games, Utes will be lining up to worship at the altar of cult Majerus”
Listener: “Can you tell me more specificsabout your teachings?”
LA insider: “I really need to chug mybeerand get home, however, I’ll spend a few minutes talking about his Holiness? Here is a synopsis of the doctrine.
1.Majerus’ miracles are far greater than those found in Biblical scripture.Majerus is able to turn mere mortals into NBA lottery picks. Majerus cantake any kid off the street and turn him into NBA player. Players who don’tbecome NBA player under the Great One have zero faith and no heart. We proclaimthat the program will continue to churn out a never-ending stream of playerslike KVH, Doleac. and Miller. Utah destiny is assured now that the GreatOne has McDAAs and a former ACC player in the program.
2. Every vulgar word that proceedeth out of themouth of Holy Rick or anyuse of body parts to teach basketball becomes sacreddogma. Players and fansmust cherish these words and actions as the only trueway to teach basketball.
3. The instant Majerus arrived at Utah,he raised the program to a dominant level from which it will never decline.Kentucky and other great schools tremble in fear at the mere mention of thename Majerus. Utah State, SUU, and Weber State are afraid to play Utah, becausethey have no chance to stay within 50 points. BYU has never defeated a Majerusteam.
4. Majerus disciples know that basketballis more difficult than rocket science. Unless one devotes every waking hourto basketball (except several hours for eating), one cannot reach Holy basketballperfection. No other coach is worthy to hold the jock strap of Majerus, becausenone have followed Majerus’ example in denouncing all worldliness in favorofbasketball divinity.
5. Purging thebasketball program of non-performing 19 and 20 year olds, is a necessaryyearly ritual to serve the higher good of cult Majerus. As part of the excommunicationceremony, Ute faithful must verbally flay the departing player, so that theopen scars will release the evils lurking within the hearts of these faithlessplayers. If an excommunicated player dares utter a negative word about hisfate, mobs of the faithful must deride him on every side. The faithful mustchant in unison, “I have lost respect for that wimp, I have lost respectfor that wimp”.
6. All potential recruitsmust be taught that they have virtually no chance to play in the NBA, unlessthey throw themselvesat the mercy of Majerus. Recruits who do not acceptMajerus in sack clotheand ashes must be treated in the same manner as excommunicatedplayers.
7. The summation principle ourdoctrine is that Majerus has never entertained a single self-serving motivein his entire life. Every act Holy Majerus performs is for the greater good.(A good that only He is able to understand.) Observers who suggest otherwiseshould be scorned and spat upon by the faithful.
Incredulous listener: "You mean, Ute fans really believe that stuff?"
L.A. Ute: "We must blindly... err faithful except this as truth. To believe otherwise would risk losing our omnipotent deity.”
With the conclusion of his doctrinal commentary, the lawyer finished his beer and quickly left the bar.
At least that is how the story
was relayed to me. Of course I could have wildly and intentionally misconstrued
the story.
Posted By: Hod Sanders
Date: Tuesday, 26 December 2000, at 7:04 p.m.
10. If I'm an Ainge era Coog how come
I look like Kelly Tripucka?
9. If all those jackmormon lawyers would pay their ten percent maybe I'd
only have to pay five.
8. Everytime I travel alone on business and order a "brewsky" in theairport
bar everyone looks at me like I'm old enough to be an Ainge Era Coog.
7. All those jack mormon lawyers hanging around with all those otherjack
mormon lawyers and, you know, doing all those terrible things that jackmormon
lawyers do.
6. People who make fun of Utah County by, metaphorically speaking, holding
up a giant mirror in front of Utah County.
5. People who sit "on the stand" during church services who didn't graduate
from BYU. I just know some of those sickos are secretly Ute fans and they're
probably asking a lot of "funny" questions to the brothers and sisters during
church interviews about whether they have any athletic children who wouldn't
mind letting down the other six or seven million of us.
4. My wife looks like a Mel Hutchins Era Coog.
3. Tapping your toe under the Wilkinson Center bathroom stall no longer works
the way it did in the Ainge era.
2. No longer being able to call Lavell after the game on KSL and askwhy they
didn't run the draw trap on third and four to go in the fourth quarter.
1. Rick Freaking Majerus
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