FOOTBALL: UTEopia asked below about Taz returning to the team. Well, I've put 2 and 2 together, and I now see what's going on....
Posted By: ColoUte
Date: Friday, 5 April 2002, at 10:33 a.m.
When news of Taz' Heisman [Heis-men] inevitability, the lazy freaks in the BYU athletic administration were in full grip mode. Basically, with the size of the spotlight that would be on the Ute program and their multi-Heis-men winner, they'd have to put forth a whole lot of work in order to make big enough jackasses of themselves to steal said spotlight. They'd have to go WAAAAY beyond threatening to sue the BCS.
Basically, they just figured it'd be a whole lot easier on everyone involved to just have "Dirty Crouton" steal Taz himself.
Now, stay with me, here's where the scheme gets complicated.
Step 1 - The first thing that needed to be done was to make Taz a recruitable athlete. He needed him off the Ute team. Well, with Taz being the law abiding FYM that he is, this would be no easy task. It would require a temptress of the highest order.
So Crowton turned to the prettiest thing to graduate from BYU in the last 3 decades - Shane Knight. He threw a dress and a bit of make-up on ol' Shane, had Luke give him a good bikini wax, and sent him up on the hill with the mission to "Awaken Taz' Natural Man."
One day, following one of Taz' numerous press conferences, a camera man flashed a picture of Taz and his Brunette bombshell. Well, that was all Taz could take. He was sick of the incessant Paparazzi hounding him and his Arm Candy, and he lashed back. He connected with a left hook containing all the force of a Lance Rice "Ram" Screen. Well, this knocked the photographer back a good 2 and a half feet, where his fall was broken by an unsuspecting Patrick Kinahan who was busily admiring his favorite person.
Needless to say, Kinahan's mirror broke. Well, you know what that means, right? 7 years of bad luck. Mac, fearing the jinx that Taz would bring to the team - and his career - immediately suspended him until that 7 year bad luck sentence was served in its entirety.
Step 1 - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Step 2 - How to get a world-class athlete of this caliber down to BYU? Easy, lure two of his fat friends. Few people realize this, but Taz and Scott Fischer were both squad leaders in the same Southern Utah Militia Platoon. So there is a bond there which cannot be broken.
So, "Dirty Crouton" went to work down in Dixie. He set a meeting with Mother Fischer where he showed a file of photographs of Taz and the "Brazen Hussie" with whom he had been associating. Mother Fischer was naturally apalled by the plunging neckline nearly exposing the entire collarbone, and the skirts occasionally rising nearly 3 inches above the knee. This was certainly no environment for her boys to find worthy eternal companions.
(Besides, with all the skinny pretty they have at the U, there's no way that these girls can cook nearly well enough to keep her boys as happy and healthy as she's kept him throughout their lives. The girls at BYU, though, now, THAT'S another story. One look at them, and it's clear they can cook.)
So, with Mother Fischer firmly on board the BYU bandwagon, it was time to give the boys a little "personal revelation." That part was not difficult at all. All it took was Robbie Bosco, a sheet, a harp, and a glow stick, and VIOLA, instant angelic vision. Crouton now has the bait needed to lure our whirling dirvish into his loving arms.
Step 2 - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Step 3 is obviously currently in progress. Basically, what I'm saying is that we shouldn't be at all surprised to see Taz in the deepest shade of Royal Blue next year, and those thieving puds in the BYU marketing department stealing all of my ideas.
Well, Zoobs, I've got news for you. You can have Taz, but if you think for one moment that I'm going to give up my Taz-Tickles like so many other men in Utah County, you're in for a BIG surprise. I'm going to have an entire team of attorneys holding on to my Taz-Tickles with both hands, and if any of you freaks think you're going to get your dirty mitts on them, you're going to be in for quite the battle.
Well, there you have it brethren. The truth is revealed. I'm afraid Taz-Timony meeting has come to a tragic end. We'll find a new candidate shortly, but it just won't feel quite right.
GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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