(Note: Ute Marketing Staff - I know you're reading this. Pay close attention. This is how you market a player with the star power of a Taz Decker. I'm going to make the Joey Harrington Times Square Billboard campaign look like winos handing out flyers for porn shops.)
I know a lot of you are thinking, "Why Taz Decker? He'll be our 3rd string Tight End this year." To those people, I say, "Hogwash!" He'll probably be our 5th string Tight End - but that's just because Mac is saving him as a secret weapon.
It came to me last week. After watching Taz in the spring game, I realized that this guy will win at least 3 Heismans (or is the proper plural form Heis-men?) during his career at Utah. He combines the size and blocking ability of a shooting guard (or a Zoob Power Forward) with the sheer speed and soft hands of an offensive lineman.
I'm not sure what his 40 time would be, but I could estimate it based on his 70 yard TD romp in the spring game. From last year's media guide, we know that D'Shaun Crockett runs a 4.38. Based on where D'Shaun was when Taz waltzed into the end-zone, Taz must run somewhere in the 3.3-3.5 area...Unless D'Shaun was....naaaaaah...Utah players have more pride than that....I'm sure they were all going full speed...in a pared down spring scrimmage...in front of 45 rabid Ute fans.
I'll also go out on a limb here and state that with his speed and athleticism, Taz Decker has the potential to be the most dominating Ute Special Teams player since Veo Ofa. A Heisman campaign is the logical next step.
So here's the plan. We'll officially call the campaign "Taz-Mania" (Pretty original, huh.) It came down to a choice between this and, "Taz the way, uh huh uh huh, We Like It, uh huh uh huh" but I figure that K.C. and the Sunshine Band has better lawyers than Warner Brothers. so "Taz-Mania" it is.
We'll start with the off-season photo shoots. Taz's Michaelangeloesque figure will grace the cover of every magazine from Athlon to SI to Muscle and Fitness to YM (Look out Backstreet Boyz, here comes Taz.) Then the billboard campaign will kick-off with slogans like, "Athletes in Utah? Screw the Jazz, Just think Taz." and:
When
you vote for the Heisman
If
you don't vote for Decker
You
don't have a heart
And
you don't have a pe....ummmmm brain.
We will, of course, send out the customary candy bars/stupid train whistles....errrrrr...cute children's toys to all of the media voters, but the thing that will put us over the top will be our activity at the national college football media meetings.
During the opening dinner, I will release 71 (Taz wears #71) live Tasmanian Devils into the room. They'll all be dressed in little Ute #71 jerseys (I'll probably need some help dressing them...any volunteers?) with the name Decker on them. So as these cuddly little creatures proceed to scamper up the backs of the awestruck media members and start gnawing on their corrotid arteries, they'll have the image of "#71 Decker" fresh on their memories just before they lose consciousness.
(OK, Ute Marketing Staff - you can feel free to offer me a full time job anytime now. I can be reached at the above e-mail address. You know you need me.)
Actually, I should make a confession. I'm not being completely realistic. I have no doubt that Taz will go on to dominate on the field as only a Ute Tight End/Special Teams Lineman can. But his tougest opponent will not be something he can dominate on the field with his superior physical skills - East Coast Media Bias. No matter how hard we.....errrrrr....he tries, he may not be able to defeat that monster. That's OK, though. It'll be a good campaign to give the marketing staff experience.
Wait til you see what I have in store for Juan McNutt.
Portland Ute has made a good point. I talked a little about my interaction with the Ute future Heisman winner this weekend, but it got buried, so I'll tell the story again.
At the fan-fest, I was able to somehow separate Taz from the international media throngs and ask him to pose for a picture with my 15 month old boy. I asked him if he'd do it for the guy running his Heisman campaign. He looked at me and said, "Oh, I heard about that. The guys in the printed it up and circulated it around the weight room. I haven't read it yet, though." So, this is Way bigger than I thought it would be before he even played a game, but any publicity is good publicity.
Here's what's planned for this week:
Taz changed his number to 87. Where the heck am I supposed to get 15 more badgers before Thursday? Besides that, Mr. Crimson and I are going to have to fix all of the jerseys for the ones we've already dressed. Mr. Crimson, don't forget the flack jacket and gloves this time. I don't think that carpet will ever come clean.
On Thursday, the national media meetings begin. The way I see it, the best time to release the dyed badgers with the pinned back lips is right when Taz is announced on the Watch list. However, since the list is usually announced geographically, (So everyone can leave after the east coast players are announced and not have to sit through the meaningless folks west of the Rocky Mountains.)we will have to wait until after the ACC, SEC, Big-10, and Big-12 players are announced. Hopefully, we can do our thing before they announce all 16 players from BYU.
My biggest concern is that the Clemson people will get to go first. If they have any brains at all, their promotion of Woody Dantzler will include a woodpecker. Who doesn't love Woody Woodpecker?
Woodpeckers and badgers don't really have the greatest history of getting along. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever tried to hold back 87 hungry, pissed-off badgers, but it could get ugly. It could get REALLY ugly.
Have any of you ever seen the movie "Dead Alive?" I'm sure none of you Coug fans have since it's rated NC-17. The great thing about the NC-17 rating is that there's no sex in the movie, there's no nudity, heck, I don't even think they swear. The rating was given for sheer gore. There was acutally someone listed in the pre-movie credits for prosthetics. I honestly don't know how the Academy missed this flick. It had everything - Disease Infested Rat-Monkeys, Zombie/Priest Kung Fu Fights, Walking Dead Mass Lawnmower Slaughter, A living pile of entrails, A woman eats her own ear, A man gets sucked back into his mother's womb. It was a classic. But I digress...
Let's just say we may need to beat Clemson to the punch and save a lot of needless carnage. We wouldn't want to get PETA on our case. The last thing I want is to have nude protesters outside my office. In fact, Mr. Crimson, I'm delegating nude PETA protests to you. I'm way too busy with my other responsibilities.
GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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