Posted By: ColoUte - Bandwagon Minister of Propaganda...errrrr....Public
Affairs <everutes@hotmail.com>
Date: Wednesday, 28 November 2001, at 10:45 a.m.
(Note to the Ute marketing department: I am trademarking the ideas below. You drug your feet on hiring me for the marketing director slot I so richly deserve. So, now, I'm just going to Bogard the entire harvest of my genius. Just remember, when you see me on the cover of Forbes next year; that money could have been yours.)
Yeah, Yeah, I know. Taz was suspended. There's a good explanation for that. In one of the 4th Quarter Drills in practice prior to the UNLV game, Taz was caught red-handed. On a particular play, 3rd and 7 I believe, Taz caught an underthrown 4 yard slant from Rice. Then, instead of falling down, he lowered his shoulder, bowled over the CB, and sprinted into the endzone. Ver Steeg, in his excitement shouted, "Yeah, now THAT'S how we play to win." McBride immediately suspended Taz for the season for a clear violation of team policy. He'll have a chance to be reinstated next year if he undergoes counseling on "Playing not to lose."
Gentlemen, the Taz hype for next year has started already. Let's look at some stats, shall we?
Taz has ZERO fumbles this season.
Taz has ZERO dropped balls this season.
Taz has as many TD's as receptions this season. (Name another player who can claim that!)
And this is the most impressive stat...
Taz's Yardage per catch is (get this) NOT POSSIBLE TO CALCULATE USING OUR SYSTEM OF MATHEMATICS. (Hey Lady Remmington, put that stat in your pipe and smoke it. No, wait, that would be an honor code violation. Ummm, dice that up and put it in your Green Jello, and...oh screw it!)
So, the Taz-Mania committee is going to take advantage of the holiday season to get a head start on the Heisman campaign for next year. We've developed a product that is sure to become the subject of millions of letters to Santa. This is a promotional tool that will make the Rob Morris Train Whistles about as desirable as a windshield leaflet for a proctology clinic. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you (drum roll) the Tickle-Me-Taz-Decker.
OK, OK, we actually can't use that exact name. Elmo's got nasty lawyers. You know, for a fuzzy red sock, that guy sure knows how to play hardball. Anyway, since the Taz-Mania committee had determined early on that legal action was probably a bad thing, we've changed the name. These adorable dolls....errrrrr....excuse me, "ACTION FIGURES" will be known as Taz-ticles.....sorry, Taz-TicKles.
Now, I know that this name may come under some scrutiny. After all, since the action figure itself doesn't actually do the tickling, it's not really an overly descriptive name. But, in our test markets, this product actually tested remarkably well.
Rick Majerus stated that his Taz-tickles are often seen while he's demonstrating to his team how to play defense.
Ron McBride felt they could be lucky, and openly wished that he had some Taz-tickles to help him win those close games down the stretch. (Though, in an odd twist of fate, he stated that both of his coordinators already had a set of Taz-tickles, but he wouldn't let them use them late in the game.)
Don't think that this will just be a fad among Ute fans, though. This tested very well with the BYU market segment as well. The wierd thing was that while the Taz-tickles were given to mostly men down in Provo, said Taz-tickles usually wound up being carried around in their wives' purses.
Gary Crowton stated that he had a pair of great big brass Taz-tickles, and that no one's ever made him pay for it at all.
Greg Wrubel expressed great joy in finally having Taz-tickles that worked.
There was one bad report from our testing in Provo, though. One young man - we'll call him Jason P. - stated that he didn't know what his Taz-tickles were for, he's never had a use for them at all, and was quite certain that he would never have occasion to use them. The rest of the testing group concurred with the latter.
Phone lines are open, people. Get your supplies while they last.
GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVERYBODY TAZ-TIFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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