Let me just begin by quoting Dean Warmer, "Fat, drunk, and being a Utah fan is no way to go through life." Alright, speaking of Utah fans, what is up with you guys? You spend $52 million and you can't even fill your stadium. You put 35,000 people in there and you call it a good game. We put 35,000 people in Cougar Stadium and we call it a scrimmage. What are you guys going to have to do to fill that stadium? Are you going to have to give away a free bowl of soup to all of your alumni? Um, but that's not to say that the University is not a fine institution, after all you did give us cold fusion. Um, but we are very, very happy with the increase or the upgrade in the football program in the last couple years. I mean with all the good athletes that come into and go out of the program, the state penitentary team is now ranked higher than ever. And lastly, what is up with your coach and his silly hat? Couldn't you just see Joe Paterno wearing something like that, or Bear Bryant with some silly acronym inscribed across his hat? And what does MAFU stand for anyway? How about My Ass is Fired Unless? Well after this weekend, he'll have to change it to MAG for My Ass is Gone. Thanks, guys. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Brad, what MAFU stands for is Mud-slinging Asphalt-laying Fence-building University. That's what it stands for. And talking about the BYU cheerleaders, I don't know if you guys read the paper this week, but the Utah cheerleaders, they're so fat their own coach kicks them off the team. In fact I saw a couple of them working this summer part-time as a lake buoy keeping the boats away from the band. I heard Monica Lewinsky used to be a "head" cheerleader at Utah, but she got kicked off the team 'cause she sucked! I'm out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Coach, you said you've never been to a game at Cougar Stadium, where we have living and breathing fans with blood actually running through their veins instead of manequins sitting in the seats to make it look full.Well, in the earlier show, a couple of Ute fans got the smack running. I got a message for all you Ute fans, you call yourself the Runnin' Utes, but the only thing you're running from is your parole officers. Maybe we should call you the Big Red just like the gum. The Cougar "?D" is going to chew you guys up and spit you out, so you can suck a little longer. And I've heard that you have a vaunted running attack. And you know they have, they've actually put up some good numbers against Boise State, which is the same as, err, my little brother's pop warner football team.
And someone cut on academics earlier. I just wanted to say don't drive through the Utah campus with your window rolled down. The last time I did they threw a diploma in my car. And last year, last but not least, these guys are so great they almost got the whole rivalry canceled when they came down here to Cougar Stadium and they were throwing fire crackers at the Couger fans. That wouldn't have been so bad, but Cougar fans were lighting them and throwing them back. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Three guys, a Ute, Cougar, and Aggie, are out walking around in the foothills and come across a lantern. A genie pops out and says, "I'll give each of you guys a wish."The Aggie says, "Great!" He says, "I want to be a farmer and I want my land in Cache Valley to be fertile."
The genie blinks his eyes and Boom, it's done.
The Cougar is amazed. He says, "Hey, I want a wall around Provo so the evil Utes and Rodin can't get into our precious city."
The genie blinks his eyes, and there's a huge wall around Provo.
The Ute says, "I'm curious, tell me more about this wall."
The genie says, "Well, it's about 150 feet high and 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Ute says, "Cool, fill it full of water!"
There's *THE* university of Utah in Provo, and the school in Salt Lake founded by Brigham Young, that little school now acts like the abandon bastard child it really is. The Crimson "Pub," uh, Club is where they have contests to match the growth of their beer bellies over the year, and if they need a tie breaker, they weigh belly button lint or count belly button hairs.34 -31 was terrible, twice! The deamon screaming Utes won't see that this year, guaranteed. My Cougars are loaded and loose. The only good thing about having red unies for the "Slummin'" Utes is when their woosey noseys get bloodied. This Saturday the blood will blend right in and look like sweat. Oh, and speaking of sweat, that's a specialty of the "deerleader," uh, cheerleader. So, Utes, I'd rather be dead than red. Out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Hey Utah fans, at least I, uh, the Cougars don't lose to Boise State! And who has the most NFL players? And who has a national title? When you get that, then you can talk. I'm out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Utah fans, can you not get any better than that? That was weak. I gotta tell you right now, BYU's defense the way that it is right now, the U does not stand a freaking chance. They're sitting on their own fences getting ready to hang themselves. Um, you know, and one more thing Utah fans, I just gotta tell you right now, smack is what Cougars do. Smack is not something you do to your girlfriend, your 14 year-old girlfriend after a frat party. Feel free to stop sucking down pork rinds and six-packs. I call BYU by 14, thanks guys. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
It's nice to see the BYU fans think they're pretty funny. Although, I think you're going to see a decline in them calling pretty soon. I think it's just about time for Family Home Evening to start. And BYU fans, let me tell you something, I don't know what is more annoying to listen to: that God-aweful air raid siren you guys blare whenever something wonderful happens (oh, and by the way, it's pretty inappropriate considering you guys are a rushing team the last couple of years), or having to listen to the 90 year-old Relief Society president who screams "yipee" at the top of her lungs. Oh, hey, come to think about it, it's pretty obnoxious to me to listen to "Rise and Shout, get your Scriptures out" or whatever the lyrics are to that God-aweful song. Hey, enjoy your jello squares and oatmeal cookies on Saturday, because that's going to be the only enjoyable part of that afternoon. Oh, and the last time I checked, Cheerios and Cool-Aid, those aren't considered hors d'ouvres.Let's talk about filling the house. When you guys played Murray State, how many empty seats did you guys see there, hmm? I seem to remember seeing quite a bit. Oh, and let's talk about filling the seats. Why does Men's Vollyeball of all sports draw a bigger crowd than basketball? Oh, that's probably because Ron the Sleaze, I mean, Ron Seleaze got kicked off the team for honor code violations and is now spending the first part of his year at Salt Lake Community High School.
Memo to BYU athletes: quit violating the Honor Code, and quit having daddy write letters to the Athletic Director saying, "my boy is not getting enough playing time; Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine."
Now if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I've got to go to the store to pick up some Pampers for all of these little babies that do nothing but cry. I hate BYU.
First, to that guy who made the comeback line with the 4 wives. Well, that's better than the Utah fan with the 4 divorces and 4 felons and 4 trips through rehab on their record. If they can get their players to quit smoking pot long enough, they might get past the 50 without running out of breath, a la Chris "Muafala." B) Ron McBride never knew an "NCA" rule he didn't break, like holding illegal practices until his bubble blew off up there. You gotta start keeping the rules. C) BYU's defensive line is clearly better than any line on either team. Feterik is clearly better than Crosswhite. And D) McBride comes up, they starts winning 7 and 4 records and they think they've done something. They're still mediocre. This is the first year BYU even cares about this game, because we're playing for something. We don't really get hyped up for them anymore, and when we go on to the Pac 10 we might put them on our schedule. Thank you. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I'd just like to say that I really feel that BYU is going to win the game Saturday, because their defense is really just far too overpowering for Utah's offense, and I think BYU's offense has really put it together well enough that they should at least be able to score 30-40 points on Utah's, uh, well I guess they call it a "defense." And, uh, I'd just like to say in response to some of the comments I've heard from some Utah fans, uh, a few things, uh, I'll try and, uh, speak clearly, so they can understand me in their drug-induced stupor, but, uh, number one, if you call yourself the Utes, why is your mascot a hawk? I always knew the more stupid people chose to go to the U, but I figured any idiot can tell the difference between an Indian and a bird. Number two, beer is not one of the four food groups, and it's not brain food. Number three, soda water in a beaker does not constitute cold fusion. Oh and by the way, the last thing any Utah fan should be disrespecting is another school's fight song. I have heard that ridiculous little pre-school march they play. What's it called, I Am A Utah Man? Hey, reality check: no matter how many times you say you're a man or attempt to say it in your own neanderthal little way, it's still not true. No matter how you cut it, a girl is still a girl. And in closing, I think you can tell, I pretty much hate the U. In fact, there's nobody I hate more than the U of U. my parents taught me well when I was younger that it's better to be dead than red. And that's all I have to say. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Yes, Ute fans, we will do our talking on the field. Utah by five. I also want to call about the BYU fan who said that the Ute fans were all stupid. My nine year-old daughter heard that and started crying. I don't know of Ute fans who make little girls cry. Go Utah!