You freakin' people have never appreciated me. For the past 4 years you've had the foremost sports jierna...jorna...(damn)...writer in the Salt Lake market as your beat writer, and I still don't get the respect I'm warranted. Don't you realize who I am? I'm Pat Kinnehan. PAT-FREAKIN'-KINNEHAN! I've tried my hardest to impress you people. I've called Majerus undisciplined. I've called him "corpulent", "rotund", and "a bald fat-ass", and still, all I ever get is e-mail from you freaks telling me I have no "journalistic integrity." (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.)
I was the one who broke the story on how Majerus is fat. I was the one who told the truth about how Majerus is arrogant. (I hate arrogant people. They take attention away from where it belongs - on me.) I'm the one who predicted that the Utes would never get another top recruit with Judkins gone, and look at what's going on now - (Jackson, Osimani, what kind of excuse for a recruiting class is that? Neither of these guys have their box scores in the Tribune.) I'm the one who makes numerous appearances on such renowned media outlets as KSL, KUTV, and of course, KFAN - That's right THE KFAN - to talk about how Majerus is still fat, and doesn't treat me the way I demand...errrrr...request.
Life would be a lot easier for everyone involved if the U would simply comply with my requests and stop practice when I walk in, and have the players kneel and genuflect. Also, in the four years I've been on this beat, I haven't heard my presence acknowledged ONCE over the PA during the introductions of the starting line-ups - and still no theme music as I walk in. Don't you idiots know who I am, I'm Pat Kinnehan. PAT-FREAKIN'-KINNEHAN.
You'll all be sorry when I'm gone. Hopefully the new ownership of the Tribune will come to their senses and put me on the only beat that anyone cares about - The Pat Kinnehan beat. Soon you'll see a daily pull-out section all about me. It'll talk about things I do, things that annoy me, and what I had for breakfast. Occasionally, my buddy Gordon Monson will guest write a column about how great I am. Then you putzes will be stuck with someone like Phil Miller or Kurt Kragthorpe who usually only report the news with the Utes program, and totally ignore how fat their coach is. Neither is nearly the jarna...jearna...(the hell with it) writer that I am.
I can't believe how long I took to respond to this crazy talk. It took away from valuable mirror time. But soon things will be different. After a few years of drab stories and limited personal attacks on someone's health or personal appearance, you'll be begging to have me back. Why? It's simple. It's because I'm Pat Kinnehan. PAT-FREAKIN'-KINNEHAN.
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