posted by The Big Bad Wolf
Actually, it is a "How To Flame" guide.
Some of you are in dire need of this...
The twelve commandments of flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound
true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Rebzilla is
a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud.
You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze
your opponent. "RebelRobert, by using the word 'zucchini' in his posting,
shows he has a bad case of penis envy."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand,
they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly
be that you're a dickhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and
you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin
& Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good
form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Loboluck has libeled
me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Loboluck."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Rebsince74 states outright
that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation.
If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Reb74's pasta preferences, then Reb74
is obviously lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article.
Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini
alfredo."
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're
a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received
on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs,
and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen
to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment,
I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war
to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them
by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
flamers' logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly
end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will
expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like
a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!!
"Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
The Golden Rule of Flaming...
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic,
but never, ever, will they be boring.
LIVE IT - LEARN IT - LOVE IT!
LOBOFAN FOREVER!!
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