Once again, the nation turns its eyes to the mtn, as the Mighty Cougars and the Mighty Utes square off. Millions of football fans throughout the nation wait in breathless anticipation for the answer to the ultimate question:
"Will Bronco Mendenhall toss his cookies on the sideline again?"
You know what would have really pissed me off if I was a fan of the BYU? Bragging for years about how much ESPN loves the BYU, about how much of a national following the BYU has, about the incredible TV ratings the BYU generates even when they suck, and then being able to watch next to no games due to lack of interest nationwide in the network that my team plays on. Really, that would have pissed me off.
Of course, if I was a BYU fan, I'd also probably need to take pills for natural male enhancement. I probably need to take them anyway. And where the hell was I?
So I sent the RES Security Guard Supervisor, Gary Coleman, down to Captain Bronconi's office disguised as a Mountain West Conference Trophy to collect some of the Letters to the President written by players on the BYU football team.
Here are a couple of experts:
"Dear President Captain Bronconi,
Things are pretty good. I like being at BYU. I'm scared to death of my companion. He makes me read books authored by Knute Rockne, he wears his hat on the side of his head like he's playing Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls or he's part of Three 6 Mafia, and he talks really fast, with this weird sort of mouth twitch like he's watched too many Elvis Presley movies. Plus, he makes me call him "Sir" now that his winning percentage as a starting QB is within 15% of Lance Rice's.
Please help me any way you can.
John Beck's Junior Companion"
"Dear President Captain Bronconi,
Things are really good. I had the flu last week so I had to stay home from class. But the flu didn't stop me, I stopped myself. I also drove my car into a reinforced cement wall a couple of weeks ago. But the wall didn't stop me, I stopped myself. I also fell out of an airplane travelling at 10,000 feet and hit the ground at 280 mph. But the ground didn't stop me, I stopped myself.
Looking forward to the Utah game. Please remember to bring the Karo Syrup to laminate my hands on the opening series so I don't drop a sure touchdown again.
And one last one:
Need more honeybutter to freebase. Crisco working well on stretch marks. Me just pawn in coach's game of life.
ps - Need larger toilets in bathroom at legacy grill."
Interesting stuff all around. I've now sent Gary to Air Force to see if he can figure out why Fisher Leghorn has taken whining to a level previously only reached by the '86 Celtics, or any other team with Austin Ainge's Father.
BYU's "Return to Glory" has happened much quicker than expected, and is a mirror of the kind of tradition that guided them when Ronald Reagan was President and Germany was known as Prussia. They lost a couple early in the season to teams from better conferences that could have beaten the Dallas Cowboys, worked a bunch of lousy teams in their own conference, acquired a hyperly over-inflated ego, and overlooked honor code violations for the sake of victories. Now, if they can just beat Utah and pretend that they didn't really care about the game, and get beat by some 6-5 team from a better conference in a bowl game, the return will be complete. Ah, tradition!
I think the 2006 Cougars match up very well with the 2004 Utes. Other than the two losses, the lack of wins over teams from BCS conferences, the lack of being in the top 10 most of the year, the lack of a second consecutive outright conference championship, the lack of a visit by College Game Day, the lack of a top 5 BCS ranking, the lack of a 14 million dollar payout, the lack of a win in a New Year's Day bowl, and the lack of a #4 final ranking, they are almost identical.
Of course, they probably also won't have the morning after feeling like the fat chick who gave it up to the snake oil salesman when he said he loved her, only to skip town with a hotter chick with hotter friends and a bigger bed. But there's no large gain without some small loss.
This game? Let BYU throw the ball. If Rat doesn't show up, Utah's not gonna win anyway, so you might as well try to get into a shootout and see what happens. BYU kills people with the run game. Stop that, let Beck go for his 500 yards, and pray that Utah can make enough big plays to stay in it.
Go big or go home, I always say. Except for when Utah won 3-0 over BYU's 8th string quarterback (who was still better than anybody Utah signed the previous February) and a bunch of other guys too good to go to Utah. That game, don't go big. Just go home. This game? Go big or go home.
There's also this little part of me that keeps thinking that the BYU defense still sucks, that John Beck will make just enough mistakes to lose, and that Captain Bronconi is still running the Star Wars Defense. I'd like to thank Comcast for not offering service in my neighborhood, so that I can continue to hold on to my memories of BYU the last few years without the clutter and irrelevance of actually watching BYU at all this year.
For some reason, I haven't seen a single BYU game on TV this year. I'm wondering why. With the way their fans talked about their national following prior to three months ago, I would have expected them to have their own contract with ABC by now.
Maybe I'll have Gary Coleman look into that.
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